


Close as Strangers

by lukeisababe



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: AU, Alcohol, Attempted Rape, Cheating, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Rape
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-07-12
Updated: 2015-09-21
Packaged: 2018-04-09 01:06:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 2
Words: 14,542
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4327986
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lukeisababe/pseuds/lukeisababe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"To: Ash<3 [9:03 PM]</p><p>I don't know if you'll read this, or even care if you do, but I can't do this anymore. It's been a long time coming I guess. We're done. Please don't contact me again." </p><p>Easy and simple, but straight forward enough for Luke to be satisfied. He presses send without a second thought, officially ending their three year long relationship.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. part one of three

**Author's Note:**

> Hiya everyone, this is my first 5SOS fanfic and I hope you guys like it. I got the idea into my head at work two days ago and haven't been able to stop thinking about it. Today I finally had time to sit down and write it and I couldn't stop. I haven't even had dinner because I felt like I didn't have time! 
> 
> Anyway, a few warnings for this part 1/2 is cheating and an attempt of rape if any of that is triggering for you. I obviously don't know or own any of the characters written about in this story.
> 
> Hope you enjoy and please leave some feedback if you do! :)
> 
> PS: my internet is so slow that I can't edit the work to make it look like I want to, will fix this asap!

“Hey,” Luke murmurs into the phone when the person on the other line finally picks up. “How are you?”

“ _Hey, hang on. I can't talk right now, I'll call you back late though, ok?_ ” Ashton rushes through and Luke can already feel the frustrated tears building up behind his eyelids. He knew for sure that he wouldn't get a call back anytime soon.

“Yeah okay, that's-” But the dial tone is already beeping annoyingly in his ear. “For fucks sake.” He grumbles angrily under his breath and wipes away a single tear. He's angry and sad and frustrated all at once, but not at Ashton. There's no one to blame but himself. It's been bad for almost four months now. Only the first two months since Ashton left for university had been alright. It was hard of course, to keep a relationship going when you suddenly live four hours away from each other but Luke had tried, he really had. He'd put so much time and effort in to keep them going and now he's starting to wonder if it's even worth it. Ashton's been pulling away more and more with each passing day. At first it had just been shitty excuses to why he couldn't talk but now most of Luke's calls and texts went unanswered. Those few times he actually got a hold of his boyfriend, Ashton didn't even try to make up any excuses, just said that he didn't have time to talk and Luke, he's so fucking tired of it. It's exhausting doing all the work himself and getting nothing in return.

It's a Friday, he's just gotten home from school and his boyfriend lives four hours away. He's going there. Even if it's going to be late when he arrives, he's going to pack a bag and just go. He wants to fix whatever's gone wrong between them because he's not ready to give up on their relationship just yet.

He quickly throws some clothes into his dufflebag and pockets his phone and wallet before sprinting downstairs. “Bye, I'm staying at Michael's tonight. Call you tomorrow!” He shouts to his mum and grabs his car keys from the hook by the front door. Without waiting for a reply, he jogs out to the car and throws his bag on the passenger seat next to him. He sends a quick text to Michael telling him to please cover for him if his mum calls him and to just tell her he's asleep or something if she wants to talk to him. Michael texts back almost immediately, asking him where he's going but Luke ignores him in favour of starting the car and his trip to visit Ashton.

 

Three hours into driving, Luke is definitely starting to feel grumpy. He'd sent Ashton a text about an hour ago, asking if he was busy tonight but he still hadn't received a reply. Not that that surprises him much anymore, but it still hurts and it doesn't exactly make him feel any better about showing up uninvited. He'd actually regretted going after only half an hour into the drive but he'd forced himself to keep driving. If he wanted to keep Ashton, he'd just have to keep fighting for them and show his boyfriend how much he's hurting over being pushed away like he means nothing. And if his boyfriend can't see that or make an effort, well, Luke is pretty sure he's done fighting then. No matter how much he loves Ashton and wants them to be together.

He finally arrives at the university around eight thirty PM after having made a pit stop along the way to eat and hadn't been able to make himself start the car for almost twenty minutes. Too worried about tonight's outcome.  
Once he's parked his car over by the student dorms, he realizes he actually doesn't have a clue to where Ashton lives. He starts walking towards the big building in the middle anyway, hoping to find Ashton's name on a mail box or something similar, all the while calling him on the phone. It goes straight to his voice mail twice in a row and eventually gives up. After standing around looking like an idiot for another five minutes, a girl finally exits the building in front of him and he's quick to stop her.

“Excuse me, um, I know this is a big place and all but, uh, do you happen to know who Ashton Irwin is? Or where he lives?” He asks awkwardly and the girl in front of him looks him up and down quickly before answering.

“He lives in the D-block. That's all I know. Try the woods behind the C-building though. I heard there's a party tonight so he'll most likely be there.” She says quickly and Luke looks at her confusedly. “It's that way.”

“Oh, um, okay. Thanks for the help!” He calls after the girl who has already started to walk away. Following the directions to the C-building, he gets there in five minutes and walks around it towards the back, following the stream of people heading there as well. There's music playing and it gets louder the closer he gets to the looming trees ahead of him and soon enough he's standing in a clearing surrounded by people drinking and dancing with their friends. He keeps his eyes wide open, scanning the large crowd of people for his boyfriend and feeling like he's looking for a needle in a haystack. But just as he's about to give up, he hears it, not that far away from him and he can't help but smile at the familiar sound of Ashton's laugh. It fades quickly though when he turns around and sees the scene in front of him. Ashton is standing right there, holding hands with a girl in front of him and Luke's heart shatters completely when his boyfriend leans down to kiss someone that isn't him. And it doesn't look like it's the first time he's doing it either.

Luke knows he should do something, or at least look away, not just stand there watching his boyfriend cheat on him. But he's rooted on the spot, unable to move and can't look away no matter how much he wants to. After a minute though, he gets his senses back and lifts the hand still clutching his phone and dials Ashton's number, watches his boyfriend ignore his calls until he just shuts the phone off completely. Luke feels like he's been slapped in the face. Like someone has ripped his heart out of his chest and dropped it on the ground, only to stamp on it over and over until there's nothing left of it. And then comes the numbness. He feels absolutely nothing as he turns around and stumbles back to where he parked his car. Somewhere in the back of his head he knows it wouldn't be a good idea driving in his state, but he can't be bothered to care at the moment. It's not until he's finally inside the car, turning on the ignition with hands shaking so badly that he almost drops the keys that he breaks and the first tears fall. After that it's like a dam has broken and he just can't stop. He's so fucking stupid for thinking he could fix this. All this time he's been fighting to keep this relationship alive and while he's been putting all his effort into it, Ashton's been fucking girls behind his back.

Before he leaves he picks up his phone from where he'd dropped it in his lap and opens up a new text message to Ashton, knowing that he'll most likely see it until tomorrow morning.

_**To: Ash <3 [9:03 PM]** _

_I don't know if you'll read this, or even care if you do, but I can't do this anymore. It's been a long time coming I guess. We're done. Please don't contact me again._

Easy and simple, but straight forward enough for Luke to be satisfied. He presses send without a second thought, officially ending their three year long relationship.

*** * ***

Luke doesn't remember the ride home. He's exhausted from all the crying and from driving four hours back and forth late at night on barely any sleep. It's almost two AM by the time he finally arrives back home and parks his car in the driveway and by now he feels completely numb again. He's surprised he even made it home in one piece.  
It's only when he's standing in the foyer, having closed the door maybe a bit too loudly for this time of the night, that he realizes he told his mum he'd be staying at Michael's for the night. He'd expected to stay at least one night at Ashton's, maybe even two if that had been possible. But now he's back home instead. Alone and without a boyfriend for the first time in three years. He doesn't know what to feel about that. He doesn't feel anything at the moment.

As he stumbles to the stairs and tries to climb them as quietly as possible, he feels almost drunk as he stumbles into the wall several times and he shouldn't be surprised to see the door to his parents bedroom open when he reaches the second floor of their house. “Luke, is that you?” His mum asks. “I thought you were staying at...oh honey, what's wrong?”

Luke doesn't realize he's crying again until his mum wraps her arms around him and pulls him in close, rubbing soothing circles across his back as he sobs into her shoulder. He vaguely register two more doors opening down the hallway but he ignores them in favour of trying to keep himself on his feet when all he wants to do is sink down and have the ground swallow him whole. “Mum, what's going on?” He hears Ben ask and if he wasn't so fucking upset, he'd be embarrassed about crying in front of his mum and two older brothers.

“It's okay boys, go back to bed.” His mum replies and she must wait until they've done as told because she doesn't speak again for another few minutes. “C'mon Luke, let's get you into bed.” She gently guides him towards his own bedroom and it's only when he's lying down in his own bed that he stops crying and just stares at the wall in front of him blankly.

“I broke up with Ashton.” He says quickly, like ripping off a band-aid, before he turns his back to his mum and shakes off her hand from his shoulder. “I just want to be alone.”

“Okay sweetie, that's fine. But you know that your father and I will be here for you no matter what and you can always come to us if there's anything you want to talk about. I know your brothers would say the same thing if they were in here right now. Get some rest and I'll see you at breakfast tomorrow. I love you, Luke.” She finishes softly and presses a kiss against his hair before she leaves quietly, closing the door behind her.

Luke knows he shouldn't, but he still pulls his phone out of his pocket and presses down on the button to light up his screen. Nothing. No texts, no calls, no nothing. He knew when he left that Ashton probably wouldn't check his phone again tonight but it still hurts so much. Before they got together, they'd been good friends. That was until Luke started feeling things he was pretty sure he was supposed to feel for girls and not his best friend so he pulled away, started avoiding Ashton like the plague until the older boy finally cornered him and asked him what was wrong, what he had done wrong to make Luke hate him all of a sudden. Luke couldn't stand it anymore and instead of saying anything, he just leaned forward and kissed Ashton. Just as he was about to pull back, Ashton pulled him in closer and kissed him deeper. And that's how it all started. They'd been each others first for many things, first kiss, first date, first time. Luke had honestly thought that they'd be one of those power couples that met in school and grew old together, got married and had kids. Today shattered all of those dreams Luke had for their future together. Fuck, he's supposed to go to the same university as Ashton so that they could live together. What's he supposed to do about that now? What's he supposed to do about anything? All he's known these past three years, is being Ashton's boyfriend. All the friends he's got now, is older people that he's met through Ashton. And even though he's close to Calum and even closer to Michael, he knows that they'll be on Ashton's side during this breakup. Not only has he lost his boyfriend, he's also lost all of his friends at the same time. Life could go fuck itself. Ashton too.

 

Luke must have fallen asleep sometime between all his tossing and turning without realizing it because when he opens his eyes, his room is lit up with sunshine. He scowls and drags himself out of bed, stumbles over to the window where he pulls at his curtains until his room is as dark as his mood before he falls down on his bed again and pulls the covers up over his head. It's decided. He's just going to hide here for the rest of his life.

Someone knocks on his door then followed by, “Luke? You awake?” And he considers ignoring his brother but knows that Ben would barge in either way.

“Yeah.” He replies back quietly, but it must be loud enough for his brother to hear because the door is being pushed open just a few seconds later. Ben walks over to his bed and sits down at the edge of it, tries to pull down the cover that's still currently covering Luke's face but eventually gives up when it gets him nowhere.

“You okay?” He asks instead and how is Luke supposed to answer that when he still doesn't know what he's feeling? It's sure as hell not okay though. “What happened?”

“I broke up with Ashton.” Luke says and he should get used saying it, because he's he's going to have to repeat himself a lot of times. He should also get used to calling Ashton his ex instead of boyfriend.

Ben inhales sharply, obviously shocked by the confession. “What? Why?!”

And this is the part where Luke can spill everything. Tell his brother about how horrible these past four months have been, how Ashton has been avoiding him and making up excuses and apparently cheating on him, while Luke's been at home fighting for them and pretending that everything's been great for everyone else. Instead of doing that though, because he still loves Ashton and he doesn't want to make him look like the bad guy even though he is, Luke just shrugs his shoulders and tells his brother some complete bullshit lie.

“I don't know. I felt like it. It wasn't the same now that he's gone, it's too hard.”

“But if you love him like you say you do, then you should fight for it anyway to make it work. God, how did he take it? Was he upset about it?” Ben asks and of course he'd be worried about Ashton, they're basically brothers as well at this point. That's the flaw with this whole thing. Everyone loves Ashton.

“I don't know. I sent him a text and I'm not sure he's seen it yet.” The covers are being pulled down before he's even got the time to react and he's met with Ben's disappointing stare.

“You broke up with your boyfriend of three years over a text message? What the fuck Luke?” And honestly, Luke can't deal with this right now so he just turns his shoulder to his brother and closes his eyes.

“Please leave. I'd like to be alone right now.” He requests quietly. “Close the door on your way out.”

Five minutes in silence goes by slowly before his brother finally sighs and gets up to leave. “You really messed it up this time bro.” Is the last thing he says before he leaves and Luke wants to call him back, tell him that no, Ashton is the one that messed it all up. But he holds himself back and can't breath properly again until the door has closed after Ben.

His peace lasts for two minutes before his phone starts blaring from where it must have fallen down on the floor during the night. He ignores it and the call after that and the next one as well. Then the text messages starts rolling in and he knows that if it's not Ashton, someone must've told Michael or Calum what happened. Maybe even both. Growing tired of the constant beeping and vibrating of his phone, he groans and picks it up, sighing when he sees the amount of texts.

_**Cal [10:12 AM]** _

_What's happened with you and Ashton?_

_**Cal [10:15 AM]** _

_What the fuck dude?!_

_**Mikey [10:16 AM]** _

_What the fuck did you do to Ashton?_

_**Mikey [10:18 AM]** _

_What the hell dude...tell me you didn't?_

_**Mikey [10:19 AM]** _

_Fuck, did you seriously break up with him? Over a text?_

_**Mikey [10:21 AM]** _

_That's fucking low Luke, never thought you'd do something like that_

_**Mikey [10:25 AM]** _

_Are you ignoring us?_

_**Ash <3 [10:30 AM]** _

_Okay.._

Okay?! That's all he gets? A fucking okay after three years together? Luke's so fucking pissed off right now that he doesn't think about the consequences as he throws his phone as hard as he can against the wall opposite him and watches as the screen cracks and goes black. There's about five seconds between him throwing his phone and his door bursting open which means someone must've been right outside when it happened. Luke looks over to the door and sees his mum standing there with wide eyes. “Luke! What are you doing? Is that your phone?”

“Yep.” He says and rolls out of bed, grabbing a change of clothes from the floor before making his way over to the bathroom for a shower. A hand on his arm prevents him of proceeding further though. He could easily shake it of but he figures that wouldn't exactly help him in his situation.

“We don't pay you a phone only to have you throw it against walls whenever you feel like it!” His mum says angrily and honestly, Luke doesn't give a fuck about his phone right now. It's full of pictures of him and Ashton anyway.

“I don't need a phone anymore. Can I have a shower now?” He looks his mum in the eyes as he says this and she must see something there, because her expression immediately softens and she lets him go.

“Come down after you're done, we need to talk about this, okay?” She says softly and he feels bad for being a dick to his mum when all she's doing is trying to help him but he doesn't want her help.

“Yeah sure.” He replies and is finally let go of. Once in the bathroom, he takes the quickest shower he's done in in a while and gets dressed just as quickly. When he's back in his room he locks the door and digs out a bottle of whiskey he'd gotten from Ashton a while back and hidden in his sock drawer. He hasn't done it in a while now, but when he was younger he used to climb out of his window and sneak out during the night all the time. Which is exactly what he's going to do right now. It's a Saturday, there's bound to be a party somewhere around here tonight and until then he just needed to get out of the house and avoid the talk his whole family is bound to want with him.

He stuffs the bottle in a backpack along with his wallet and keys and then opens the window as quietly as he can. There's a window right outside it with branches that makes his descend much easier now that he's so tall, than when he was younger and the ground felt like it was miles away. He lets go of the last branch and drops to the ground, landing on his feet with a thud that sounds like a dinosaur walking in his ears but can probably only be heard by himself.

A quick glance into the window where he's dropped, shows the rest of his family around the dining table with a late breakfast still laid out as they all wait for him to come downstairs. Well, they can just keep waiting then.

He considers texting a few people to see if there's any house parties tonight, but then he remembers that he threw his phone against the wall and sets off towards the library to use one of their computers to log onto facebook. It's not like anyone would ever go looking for him there.

*** * ***

“I'm Luke. And you're Dylan. And you're Sarah. And you're Luke too. I'm Luke.” Luke slurs while he points to the people in the circle around him and they all laugh at him, with him, he's not sure at this point. He's just proud that he remembered all of their names. It's taken an hour but he's pretty sure he's got it now. “That's right yeah? I got it this time? Or should I go again? I can.”

“Noooo.” Dylan whines. “Please don't, you know all our names now. Good job. Here's a shot for you.”

“Thank you!” Luke beams and throws shot back, wincing as the alcohol slides down his throat.

“If you make a face that means you haven't had enough to drink! Gimme your glass!” Sarah announces and proceeds to fill it with more alcohol. Luke's sure he's going to get alcohol poisoning at this point. He's also sure he doesn't care.

“Okay, okay, look now, no face making alright?” Luke says and looks them all in the eye, they stare back at him with expecting eyes and he goes for it, cursing in his head when his face betrays him as the alcohol goes down. “Do over! My face didn't listen to me!”

“It doesn't work like that!” The other Luke shouts and tries to grab his glass for another refill.

“No,” Luke pouts. “No more. It's your turn now.” The rest of the group shrugs and passes the entire bottle around between them, all of them making disgusted faces as they swallow. “Ha! You all lose!”

“Whatever. I don't even care, as long as I get a drink I'm good.” Dylan says and pulls a joint out of his pocket, waving it around in the air. “Anyone up for it?”

Just as Luke is about to reply that yes, he'd very much like a smoke, he's being pulled up from the floor by two strong arms on either side of him. When he checks who it is a smiles brightly. “Calum! Michael! Hey group, these are my best friends. Like my bestest friends ever. Like, ever.”

“Okay, that's enough Luke. Let's get you out of here.” Calum says then and Luke frowns. He doesn't want to leave yet.

“No,” He whines. “I wanna stay.”

“For fucks sake Luke, we're leaving. It's almost three AM and everyone's been looking for you since this morning. Your parents are worried like crazy about you.” Michael snaps and starts pulling him out of the room with the help of Calum.

“Bye guys!” Luke calls to the group still sitting on the floor, watching him and his friends amusedly. “I''ll see you tomorrow!” He waves enthusiastically and trips over thin air, almost falling over and dragging his two friends with him.

“Jesus christ, how much did you drink?” Calum asks him, at least Luke thinks he does because it was said so quietly that he almost didn't catch it.

“I had,” He hiccups. “There was a bottle of whiskey. Ashton gave it to me. But he's gone now. And so is the whiskey. It tasted good but not as good as Ashton. Ashton tasted really good, like, I wanna lick you all over good. Oh no, I think I'm gonna be-” He bends over and throws up everything he's been drinking the past few hours. One of his friends must let go of him because he falls to his knees, the only thing stopping him from falling into his own sick, is one pair of hands holding onto his shoulders tightly and keeping him upright. He's not sure how longs he's sat there dry heaving, but once he's finally done, he's too exhausted to keep his eyes open.

“Hey Luke, c'mon, stay awake now. Look, your mum and dad are here to take you home but you've gotta stay awake for that alright?” That's Michael speaking to him softly now, Luke likes the sound of his voice. It makes him sleepy.

“I'm 'ust gonna rest my eyes. Don't wanna go home.” Luke murmurs, trying to open his eyes but failing to do so. Instead he just snuggles back into Michael further and relaxes. That lasts for about two seconds before he feels bile rising in his throat again but he's too tired to do anything about it and ends up chocking on it as it comes up.

“Shit, fuck,” He hears someone curse but he's too focused on coughing and trying to breathe to register who it is. “Luke, spit it out. C'mon, that's it. Get it all out.”

“Luke, honey, can you hear me?” That's definitely his mum speaking to him now. He's got his eyes open, but he can't see her clearly, so he's not sure. It could be someone else. He wishes it was Ashton though. He wishes he'd never gone to the university and that he'd kept living in his bubble where he pretended everything was fine between them.

 

Luke groans as he wakes up. Fuck, this must be the worst hangover he's ever had. His head is pounding, his throat feels like he's swallowed barbed wire and his stomach hurt so much he's sure he's been stabbed or some shit like that. When his eyes finally flutter open and he's met with white walls and an I.V in his hand, he worriedly lifts his gown to make sure he actually wasn't stabbed, and breathes a sigh of relief when he can't find any wounds or stitches.

“Nice to see you've decided to join the land of living again.” Luke lifts his head to see his dad standing in the doorway to his small hospital room. “You gave us all quite a scare yesterday.”

Luke just shrugs and looks away, not sure what to say. He doesn't exactly regret what he did yesterday, but he's not proud of the way he worried everyone. It's not like he can't take care of himself though. He would've been fine.

“I'm sorry.” He says anyway, just to say something.

His dad sighs and steps into the room fully, taking a seat in the chair next to Luke's bed. “I know it must be hard, breaking up with Ashton when you've been together for three years, but Luke you've only just turned seventeen. It's very rare that you find the love of your life that young and it may seem like it'll never get better again, but I promise you son that it will. Hopefully you and Ash will stay friends in the end, it would be a pity if you didn't.”

Luke knows his dad thinks he's being supportive and comforting right now, but Luke actually feels worse than before. Because he had thought that he'd found the love of his life, but apparently Ashton didn't think the same. “I just wanted to be alone or with people that didn't know me and Ashton and I just wanted to forget. Is that so bad?”

“It is when you end up in the hospital with alcohol poisoning. You're also grounded for a month.” Luke's jaw drops as he stares at his dad in disbelief.

“What? A month? But...that's ages!” Luke exclaims. Fuck, a month? It'll be the end of November then and Luke knows for sure that Ashton's coming home for the break because they'd talked about it enough times before he left.

“Your mother wanted it to be a year so don't test her. You should be happy with only a month and no phone. The phone part I heard you took care of yourself though so I guess you won't be missing it that much.” His dad looks at him pointedly and Luke groans.

“When can I get out of here?” He complains, wanting to just go home and sleep in his own bed.

“You've already been discharged so as soon as you've gotten dressed. There's a new change of clothes for you in the bag, you threw up on the ones you wore yesterday.” Luke blushes in embarrassment as he accepts the bag from his dad just as a nurse walks into the room to remove his I.V. She's quick about it and out of the door soon again, telling him he's free to go. His dad leaves the room shortly after as well to give him some privacy as he gets dressed. It's harder than he thought it would be because he's hungry and hungover and slightly dizzy, the edges of his eyes fuzzy when he focuses on something for too long. He gets dressed eventually though and leaves the room with the bag in his hand, only then noticing it's the backpack he'd brought with him to Ashton and he's wearing one of the outfits he'd packed.

“Luke! Oh sweetie, I'm so glad you're okay. Don't ever do anything like that again, you're grounded for a year!” His mum scolds him as she hugs him tightly to her chest.

“Dad said you agreed on a month!” He protests quickly and she hushes him, but doesn't let him go. “Can we please go home now? I wanna sleep some more.”

“Of course, c'mon now, let's go.” She leads him out to where they've parked the car and he doesn't have the heart to tell her he's perfectly fine to walk on his own, just lets her gently guide him into the car.

Once they get home, he immediately goes up to his room, saying hi to his brothers on the way there but not offering them anything further that could start a conversation. He's sure they'll be speaking to him later about it anyway and he's really not looking forward to it. He slams the door shut behind him and dumps his backpack on the floor before he flings himself onto his bed, bouncing up and down a few times from the force of his landing before he stills completely. He can't believe he actually landed himself in the hospital from drinking. What a fucking idiot. Honestly, he was just having fun as far as he can remember, which is not a lot. It's not like he was purposefully drinking himself to death, he was just drinking to forget and it worked for a while. But then he'd remember the way Ashton smiled at the girl before he leaned down to kiss her softly. Just like he used to do to Luke. He had moved on before they had even broken up and Luke didn't know how to handle that. It sounds so pathetic now, but all he's known since he met Ashton, is their relationship with each other and their mutual friendships with Michael and Calum and fuck, they'd been the ones to find him yesterday hadn't it? And he can't even contact them to thank them, or say sorry. He's not sure.

 

Two weeks into his 'house arrest' as he likes to call it, he's bored out of his fucking mind. Since he doesn't have a phone, he hasn't been able to talk to anyone except for the people in school and he doesn't particularly like anyone there. All of his friends are older than him and are either working or at university. Everyone's at home has been ridiculously watchful over him and he hasn't even gotten the chance to steal a few minutes on the computer, except for today that is. Which is perfect really, because it's a Saturday and he needs to get out of the house or he'll go crazy. He's already tore down all the pictures he had around the room with him and Ashton, then he had to take down most of his band posters because they both liked them and it reminded him of his ex. That had led him to go through his closet where he'd found several shirts that belonged to the older boy and instead of putting them in a pile to give back, he'd cut them up with scissors like a crazy person and thrown the pieces in the trash. Yeah, he definitely needed to get out of here.

When Jack, who was the only other person home, was distracted Luke snatched his laptop and snuck back into his room and locked the door. He went onto facebook and ignored the dozens of messages he had except for one from Dylan that he'd received just a few minutes ago asking him what he was up to tonight. Luke quickly replied that he had absolutely nothing to do and please tell me you've got a fucking party I can crash. Dylan didn't disappoint and gave him the address of a place just a bit outside of town and told him he'd see him there. Luke smiled in triumph and got up to get ready. It was already just after seven PM and though most parties usually started later, it was already starting to get a bit nicer outside which meant people started partying earlier.

An hour later he was showered, dressed and ready to go. Jack hadn't been to check him once, had probably forgotten by now and his parents wouldn't be home until much later. He had no idea where Ben was but he didn't really care either. He grabbed what he would need and left his room the same way he did the last time he snuck out, through the window. After the stunt he pulled, he was sure that his dad would cut the tree down but apparently they trusted his enough to not make the same stupid mistake again. Jokes on them though, he guesses.

It takes him almost forty minutes to arrive to where the party is, but once he gets there it's fucking worth it. The entire house is thumping with the base and he's itching to get inside for a drink. It's completely packed, is the first thing he notice when he gets inside. There's barely any space to move around, but he succeeds in getting deeper into the house and eventually finds himself in the kitchen where there's loads of drinks just lined up for him to grab. He chooses to start with a beer, he's thirsty after the walk here and he swallows it down quickly, grabs another one without pausing and doesn't notice there's another presence in the room until he's finished with that one as well.

“You thirsty?” Someone says and he turns around in shock to see a dark haired guy with tanned skin leaning against the doorway that leads outside to a porch.

“Yeah, sorry, long walk here.” Luke apologizes and wonders if maybe he should've grabbed his own booze even though Dylan had told him it would be on the house.

“It's alright. Drink as much as you want. I don't care. It's not my house.” Luke chuckles and nods his head with a smile. “So, could I interest you in a flying donkey?”

“A flying what?” Luke asks confusedly.

“It's a drink I made up. Not the best name I admit, but I've heard it's good from quite a few people.” The guy says, holding up two cups.

“Yeah, okay then. Lets see if it's as good as you're telling me.” Luke's second mistake that night is accepting the drink from a stranger. The first one was going to the party in the first place when he wasn't supposed to.

 

Luke feels like he's floating, like he can't control his limbs no matter how much he tries, they just won't listen to him. Someone's dragging him up a flight of stairs and Luke's pretty sure he doesn't want to, but he can't stop himself. He's not strong enough to pull away. There's a door opening and he's being pushed down on something soft, the same door closes again. It's quite comfy where he is right now and he could probably fall asleep with no problem if someone wasn't suddenly pulling on his jeans. He groans and tries to pull away but whoever it is in the room with him, finds his zipper and after that his jeans come down quite easily. “S-stop. Don't wanna.”

He's being ignored and even though he's almost on the brink of unconsciousness, he still feels panic rising when his underwear is being pulled down without him saying it's okay. Kicking his legs out, he tries to get rid of the intruder, but someone just holds his legs down making it impossible for him to move. He's on his side and he feels so exposed. Exposed in a way he's only been with Ashton and that had only been a few times last year when he'd felt ready to lose his virginity. He was nowhere near ready to be intimate with someone else. But whoever it is, doesn't care about that or the fact that Luke has started crying as strange hands touch him at his most intimate body part.

“P-please stop.” He cries and tries to move again. But he's sluggish and his movements are behind, not doing what his brain is telling them to do. He feels a dry finger poking him at his entrance and his entire body tenses as he tries to stop it from intruding him. But even with his best efforts, it slips in painfully and he cries out, not prepared at all when a second finger is added almost immediately. He panics more now, starts trashing around on the bed and tries to kick the guy away. “H-help! Someone help m-me!” He calls, but no one can hear him through the loud music. “Hel-”

There's a cold hand clamped down over his mouth and he stares up wide eyed at the same guy he'd met earlier that night in the kitchen who had offered to make him a drink. Luke briefly wonders how many times before this he's used the same trick to get what he wants. But he refuses to be a victim of this, he won't. He opens his mouth and then bites down hard on the hand in front of his mouth until he can taste blood. The guy curses and immediately lets him go, Luke takes this as his opportunity and kicks him in the stomach so hard he falls down on the floor. Luke must be having a guardian angel watching over him as the guy hits his head on the edge of a big drawer and passes out. He pulls his pants up quickly and makes a dash for the door, then goes back to the guy and takes his phone from his pocket before running out of there. There's a bathroom behind the door closest to the stairs, and Luke locks himself in there as he dials the familiar number.

“Hello?” The voice on the other line cracks and it's obvious he's just been woken up.

“Michael, please, I'm sorry can you come get me? Please, please, please, I don't wanna be here anymore.” Luke cries into the phone as he slides down the door and lands on the floor with a soft thump. “Please.”

“Luke? Is that you? What's going on? Are you okay?” Michael asks him frantically and Luke hates himself for worrying his friend. Hates himself for calling him at all. That's Ashton's friend and Luke broke up with him so he doesn't have the right to call him in situations like this anymore, but he doesn't know anyone else that would drop everything to come and get him except for his parents and brothers. There's no way he's calling them though.

“Y-yeah. I'll be f-fine. I just w-wanna go home, please.” He begs silently, tears still streaming down his face. He's definitely sobered up a bit by now, his mind is clearer but his body still feels sluggish.

“Luke, where are you? Calum and I will come and get you, but you need to give me the address.” Michael instructs and Luke can hear shuffling in the background, soft words being spoken and he wonders for how long they've kept this a secret. Michael and Calum. Luke had no idea. He wonders if Ashton did.

“I don't, I don't remember the address. I don't want to leave the bathroom.” Luke pulls the phone away from his ear and presses the home button. There's an icon for the 'messenger' app there and he quickly scrolls through the guys messages until he finds the address of the party.

“Luke? Luke, are you there? Shit. Luke!”

“Yeah, I'm here.” He sniffs and then gives Michael the address. “Please hurry, I'm sorry.”

“We'll be there soon Luke, okay? Maybe twenty minutes or so. You think you can stay awake that long?” Michael asks him and Luke nods his head, not realizing at the moment that no one can actually see him. “Luke?”

“Yeah, I'll stay awake. I'm upstairs.” He says and then hangs up after Michael tells him he's got to focus on the road now. “I'm upstairs.” He says again, to no one in particular. He's staring at the sink in front of him so intensely that he forgets how much time has passed and he nearly has a heart attack when there's a knock on the door.

“Luke? Are you in there?” That's Michael and Luke hasn't felt this kind of relief in so long. He scrambles up on his long legs and unlocks the door quickly. It's barely a second later that the door is being pulled open and he finds himself surrounded by Michael's heat. He cries in relief and hides his face in his friend's shoulder, unable to stop shaking. “Hey, shh, it's okay. Everything's going to be okay. Let's go home. You can stay at mine tonight. We'll make up an excuse for your parents tomorrow.”

Luke only nods his head and lets himself be guided downstairs and out to the car where Calum is seated in the driver's seat, looking worried. Michael helps Luke into the back and then slides into the seat next to him, pulling him close again. “Everything okay?” Calum asks and he seems to be having a silent conversation with Michael because he nods his head and then starts the car. Luke must drift off because he wakes up with a start when he feels someone gently shake him awake. “We're here Luke, lets get you inside.” Calum tells him softly and Luke lets him help him out of the car and into the apartment he shares with Michael.

He's led into Michael's room and put on his bed gently. Calum removes his shoes for him and tugs slightly on his jeans to ask him if he wants them off or not but all Luke can see is the guy from the party in front of him, smirking at him as he puts a hand over Luke's mouth and pushes dry fingers into places he's not allowed to. “No! Please stop, I don't want to! Let me go!” Luke cries out and kicks his legs out, breathing heavily and looking around the room with wide eyes as Michael runs into the room to ask them what's wrong. Calum's slightly bent over, clutching his thigh in pain where Luke had managed to kick him.

“Hey, hey, Luke! Calm down, I need you to take a deep breath and calm down! No one here wants to hurt you, we just want to help you. Lay down and try to get some sleep. Calum and I will be right here with you. Nothing's going to happen.” Michael speaks softly and Luke's breathing eventually returns to normal.

“You promise?” He asks as he slides down the bed to get more comfortable. He's exhausted.

“We promise, we'll be right here.” Calum assures him and Luke finally closes his eyes and falls asleep.

*** * ***

The next two weeks of his 'house arrest' passes by fairly quickly. He gets a new phone, one of Ben's old ones but he doesn't use it much, doesn't feel the need to. Luke's done his best to try and forget about the entire incident, but he still wakes up some nights from a nightmare, begging the stranger to stop touching him. He never did tell Michael or Calum what happened that night and he doesn't want to either. Eventually, when they've heard his shitty excuse about just being too drunk, they stop asking about it and it's a bit easier for Luke to pretend it didn't happen when no one's talking about that night and it's only the dreams he's got to watch out for.

His parents hadn't noticed he was gone that night until he got back home the next morning, escorted by Michael and Calum who told them it was their fault, that they'd forced him to come over and play video games. Luke's not sure they bought it but either way they let him off the hook for sneaking out again because it wasn't nearly as bad as the last time. If they only knew..

On top of it all, it's the end of November and Ashton's back home, at least that's what his mother had told him when she said that the Irwin family would be coming over for dinner on Sunday and that Ashton would be coming with them. Luke's not sure what Ashton is getting out of coming over here and rubbing it in his face that he's over him and their relationship. But one thing's for sure and that's that Luke is not speaking a word to him. The others can do what they want but Luke plans on pretending that Ashton doesn't even exist.

 

The whole pretending thing is much easier said than done though. Ashton turns up with his family, looking flawless as ever and like their break up didn't affect him at all. It probably didn't either, but jesus, doesn't he have a heart? Can't he at least pretend that he's upset about Luke breaking up with him? Apparently not as he's currently laughing at some stupid story Luke's dad had told him and Luke scowls at them both. Who's side is his dad on anyway?

Despite the fact that they have to sit down at the same table for dinner, Luke barely pays any attention to anyone else. He's picking at his food, eating a few small pieces here and there, but not really having an apatite to eat anything properly. Hasn't really had one in the two weeks since that night. He knows that it's probably not even that big of a deal, he's just being a baby about it, the guy didn't even manage to go the entire way. But Luke still feels so violated. Like something was stolen from him, but he's not sure what. He pushes the plate in front of him away, done for today.

He'd been so lost in his thoughts that he hadn't even noticed the change of the dinner topic, but when he does he wishes he hadn't because what the fuck, honestly.

“-we would've understood if you didn't come. It must be hard having dinner with your ex, that broke up with you over a text message.” Ben finishes and seriously? That's Luke's brother and he's taking his ex's side?

“It's alright, I miss him but I didn't want that situation to ruin everyone else's time. Maybe we should change the topic?” Ashton suggest and everyone looks at him sympathetically and Luke's had it with this bullshit. He stands up so quickly that his chair falls back and lands on the floor with a loud thud, drawing everyone's attention to him. Good.

“No, let's stay on this topic. Just a little bit longer. I'm so fucking sick of sitting here and watching everyone baby you and feeling sorry for you because I broke up with you over a text message. Get over yourself.” Luke snaps and everyone's staring at him in shock.

“Luke..” Jack tries but Luke glares at him.

“No, I'm not finished yet. I won't let everyone sit around blaming me anymore when we all know this break up was because of you and you didn't even deserve a text from me but I had to end it somehow.” Luke spits at Ashton who's now moving around in his chair uncomfortably.

“Luke...c'mon.” He starts but Luke's not having any of it.

“Shut up Ashton! Don't you dare speak to me now, you have no right. You barely spoke to me the last four months of our relationship, you ignored my texts and calls and made up excuses to why we couldn't meet and I, I just wanted to fix it. I just wanted things to be good between us. So I drove down to you. I told mum I was staying at Michael's and I drove down to you to try and fix things but apparently you had already fixed them by finding someone else to replace me with. It sure didn't look like you were missing me when you had your tongue down someone else's throat!” Everyone's stunned into complete silence and Luke feels a massive weight being lifted from his shoulders as he breathes out in satisfaction. He'd done it. He'd told everyone the truth and now it was up to them if they wanted to believe him or not. He turns to leave, not wanting to be in the same room as anyone else at the moment when Ben grabs his arm, looking at him guiltily. Just like he should, Luke thinks. He shakes his brother off.

“Don't touch me.” He spits and stalks out of the room. Instead of going upstairs to his own room, he grabs his phone and goes outside, making his way over to Michael and Calum's apartment. He gets there fairly quickly and knocks on the door, hoping that they're home. After a few minutes of knocking, a rumpled looking Michael finally answers the door. “Ashton cheated on me and I couldn't stand the thought of talking to him, not that he would've answered any of my phone calls anyway, and that's why I broke up with him over a text message.”

Michael looks at him all shocked and Calum's head peaks out from behind the door looking equally shocked.

“I just wanted you to know so that everyone stop's going on about me breaking up with him over a text message. He didn't deserve any better. I know he's your friend and I understand if you don't want to hang with me anymore.” Luke explaines and then turns to leave, feeling lighter now that everyone important to him knows the truth. But it doesn't stop him from wishing he'd never found out the truth himself though, he doesn't think he'll ever stop loving Ashton..


	2. two out of three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the long way and how awful this is. There was supposed to be loads of Ashton in this but then things happened and yeah, he'll come in the next part.

_6 months later._

 

“Oh yeah, movie night!” Luke cheers as he jumps over the back of the couch and lands with half of his body on the actual cushions and the rest of him on top of a Michael that's now groaning in mock pain.

 

“Ugh you're crushing me. You're so fucking heavy.” Michael whines as he tries to push Luke off of him but the younger of them just squeezes his friend tighter around his waist as he snuggles up to him properly.

 

“Oi! Hands off Hemmings, that's my boyfriend.” Calum hollers as he walks into the room with a bowl of popcorn in one hand and a can of coke for Luke in the other.

 

“Sorry to break it to you like this Cal, but Mikey and I are running away to get married in Vegas.” Luke replies and lift his head from Michael's chest to look at Calum and waggle his eyebrows.

 

“Yeah right.” Calum snorts as he puts the items down on the table and then slumps down on the other side of Michael. “Mikey would never leave me for you, he loves my blowjobs too much.”

 

“That is true.” Michael cuts in as he bends forward to grab the bowl of popcorn, causing Luke to sit up straighter.

 

“I could be better than Calum!” He quickly protest. “You don't know that!”

 

“And I'm not interested in finding out either.” Michael tells him with a smirk and Luke glares at him as he mumbles 'rude' under his breath while Calum cheers to himself.

 

“Whatever, I don't need either of you.” Luke huffs and crosses his arms over his chest. “Are you gonna start the movie or not?”

 

“Aw, don't be upset Lukey. I'm sure someone out there wants you to blow their dick. I'm pretty sure Thompson would want that pretty mouth of yours all over his body.” Michael says and Luke stares at him with wide eyes.

 

“Michael! That's disgusting, he's my teacher. And he's like fifty years old.” Luke exclaims and Calum snickers at him. “Oh shut up Cal, we all know how you got a B in history.”

 

“Hey, I don't drag me into this!” Calum protests and Luke rolls his eyes before he reaches forward for the remote to start the movie himself. He's not sure what they're watching, all he was told was that it was some new horror movie, probably with a bad script and even worse actors. Luke had seen a bunch of them since they started having their weekly movie night every Wednesday at Calum and Michael's apartment shortly after Luke had told them the truth about why he broke it off with Ashton. He'd been so wrong when he thought that his friends would leave him behind, it was rather the other way around and they were all closer than ever now. Luke knew that they were still talking to Ashton occasionally and visiting him when possible, but it didn't really bother him. Those three boys had been friends basically their entire lives before Luke came along, he wasn't gonna stop them from being friends now. He had no right to.

 

Even though it had been six months, Luke still wasn't completely over Ashton, doesn't think he'll be in a while. Their three years together has made a big impact on Luke's life and it's not like he could just forget it over night. He'd tried to hook up with a few people since then, but every time he'd freaked out when it came to removing his jeans and he hated himself for it. Why was he _still_ hung up on that damn night all these months ago? He felt kind of pathetic for letting it bother him so much when it came to sex to be honest. The nightmares had slowly gone away after two months and it was very rare that he had one now. It was mostly after he had tried to hook up with someone that the memories resurfaced and he was reminded about what had happened, or _almost_ happened that night. And he still hadn't told anyone about it so he couldn't really come up with any good excuses as to why he never went home with anyone on a night out with Michael and Calum. Eventually he just started lying and saying that they'd hooked up in the bathroom already. It was easier that way. He didn't have to do anything and his friends got off his back about it. 

 

He was brought back to the present when there's was a loud call of help coming from a girl on the screen in front of him. Luke's heart sped up when he saw her being held down on a bed against her will as a man much bigger than her held her kicking legs down while he pulled her underwear down and then pressed a hand against her mouth to quiet her. He felt his breathing get heavier as his hands started shaking and suddenly the girl was gone on the screen and Luke saw himself on that bed with tears streaming down his face as unfamiliar fingers entered him without his consent.

 

“No,” He breathes. “No, don't touch me.”

 

“Luke? You okay bro?” Michael asks and puts what's supposed to be a comforting hand on his thigh but Luke flinches and accidentally kicks his leg out, knocking over his can of coke on the table. “Ah shit, Luke.”

“Don't touch me. Please don't touch me. I don't want to.” Luke repeats over and over but the images in his head won't go away.

 

“Hey, Luke hey, you need to calm down okay? Look, I'm not touching you. But I need you take a few deep breaths and calm down for me.” Michael tells him and Luke vaguely registers the words in the back of his mind. “That's it, you're doing good Luke. One more, deep breath in...and out.”

 

Luke blinks his eyes and scans the room quickly, finds the tv turned off and Calum staring at him with wide eyes. He looks down at Michael who's kneeling in front of him looking worried and breathes a sigh of relief that's he's not actually back at that party. “S-sorry. I'm sorry. I don't know what that was.”

 

“No,” Michael says harshly and Luke stares at him in surprise. “Not this time. You do know what that was about and it's got something to do with that party we picked you up from half a year ago. You reacted the same way back then. What really happened that night Luke? No more bullshitting.”

 

“I don't want to talk about it!” Luke snaps and Michael just raises his eyebrows challengingly. “I don't.”

 

“You might not want to but you need to. What are you so scared of? We'll be here for you no matter what. We're your friends and we just want to help you.” Michael replies softly and Luke feels a single tear run down his cheek.

 

“It's just..it wasn't even that serious. I'm just overreacting.” Luke starts as Calum scoots closer to him and pulls him into a cuddle with Michael still kneeling on the floor in front of them. “There was this guy..”

 

“What did he do? Do I need to kill him?” Michael demands and Luke chuckles wetly through his tears.

 

“No, no please don't do that. I'd miss you too much if you were in jail.” Luke protests and Calum hums in agreement. “It's stupid I'm telling you. He just, I don't know, I think he might've put something in my drink? It just felt like I couldn't really control my own body y'know?”

 

“Don't tell me this is going where I think it's going.” Michael says, a protective tilt to his voice that Luke's never heard before as his jaw clenches and fists gripping the couch in front of him.

 

“No he didn't. He just, he took me to a bedroom and it was just his fingers and I pushed him off and then I called you.” Luke says quickly. “Told you it was stupid.”

 

“Are you fucking serious? That's sexual assault Luke! Who was it? Did you report him?” Michael seethes as he stands up and starts pacing in front of the couch while Calum hugs Luke tightly. “I'm going to kill him. I'll find him and then I'm going to kill him.”

 

“Michael..stop, please. It's been months now. I'm okay. It's fine.” Luke says and Michael scoffs in disbelief.

 

“So what? You're obviously not over it! Have you talked to anyone about it?” Calum stands up then and gets close enough to Michael to pull him into a hug. Luke's shocked when his friend suddenly starts crying and stands up qucikly to join them.

 

“Michael,” He gasps. “What's wrong?”

 

Michael laughs humourlessly at him. “Are you serious right now Luke? You were raped!”

 

Luke flinches at the word thrown at him. “I wasn't raped!” He protests quickly. “It doesn't count as that.”

 

“Of course it does, Luke! You were drugged and that fucking creep forced you into something you didn't want to do.” Calum interjects and Luke feels himself crumble.

 

“You can't tell anyone! I don't want anyone to know. It's embarrassing.” Luke cries and sinks into the embrace he's pulled into.

 

“Shh, it's okay Lukey. You'll be okay. We'll help you as much as we can, but you're going to have to talk to someone else as well. Maybe you should look into therapy and then work your way up to telling your family. Or maybe just your parents if you feel more comfortable with Jack and Ben not knowing. It's just going to get worse if you keep everything bottled up. Especially if you're suddenly triggered by something.” Michael suggests softly while rubbing soothing circles on Luke's back.

 

“I'm not crazy. I don't need therapy.” Luke protests weakly.

 

“Therapy doesn't mean you're crazy, Luke. It really helps. Trust me, I've been there myself.” Michael offers him honestly and Luke snaps his head up in shock.

 

“You were in therapy? Why? When?” He asks and Michael shrugs his shoulders.

 

“It was like a year before you and Ashton got together so we didn't know each other yet. I used to be quite depressed, but therapy really helped me feel better. There's still bad days, but they're not nearly as bad as they used to get. And I've got Calum now.” Calum smiles softly and leans forward to kiss his boyfriend while Luke groans and backs away.

 

“Stop being so cute, it's disgusting.” He whines and plops back down on the couch. But he can't quite stop the smile threatening to break out as he looks at his friends and sees how happy they are with each other.

 

“Now you know how we felt for THREE years with you and Ashton.” Calum quips and Luke groans again.

 

“Can we not talk about him? I know you're all still friends but it kind of still hurts thinking about him.” Luke admits and his friends share a quick look with each other. “What? What are you not telling me?”

 

“Well..” Michael starts uneasily and takes a seat next to Luke while Calum walks off to the kitchen. “Ashton's coming home in two weeks. And he's bringing his girlfriend.”

 

Luke gasps and stares at Michael in disbelief. “What? He's got a girlfriend now?”

 

“I'm sorry Lukey. But he really wants to see you and talk about everything that happened.” Michael continues and Luke scoffs in annoyance.

 

“What's there to talk about? He's a lying, cheating bastard and I never want to see him again.”

 

***

 

“Hello Luke, I'm glad you decided to come back.” Mr Johnson, his therapist, says to him in greeting when he's been called into his office.

 

“Yeah well my friends kind of forced me to, so here I am.” Luke replies and sinks down into the big black armchair by the window that's overlooking Sydney harbour.

 

“That's okay. We'll start slow.” Johnson says and sits down in his own chair in front of Luke. “How are you feeling today Luke?”

 

“I'm good.” He replies simply, considers for a split second to say more, but changes his mind again.

 

“Is there something on your mind? You look thoughtful.” Johnson comments and Luke sighs.

 

“My ex-boyfriend is coming to town next week and I'm considering leaving the country.” Luke says and Johnson hums, nods his head in what seems like understanding.

 

“I see. I take it you didn't end your relationship on good terms?” His therapist asks and Luke snorts.

 

“You can say that again.” He snarls, still pissed off at Ashton. “Went to surprise him at collage. We'd had some problems so I thought it'd be nice to try to clear them up and have a weekend together. Caught him cheating on me with some girl and that was that. Sent him a text telling him we were done.”

 

“I'm sorry to hear that. You must have been very upset seeing that. How long were you together for?” Johnson asks him while he writes something down on the paper in front of him.

 

“Three years. We were together for three years and he just threw me away like trash. I wish I could just forget about him but I still love him and it hurts so much just hearing his name.” Luke admits and it feels so good to just say it out loud, that he's not over Ashton. Not even close to it. “He's bringing his new girlfriend and I'm scared I'll run into them and it'll be the girl he cheated on me with and I won't know how to react.”

 

“That's understandable. You were together a long time for being so young. First loves are always hard to forget, but it will get better. One day it won't hurt so much.” Johnson replies and Luke just wonders 'when'. When will it stop hurting so much? He's so over this constant pain in his chest. “Have you and your ex spoken anything about what happened? Maybe that would make you feel better. To hear his version about what went down.”

 

“No because I'm sick and tired of hearing all his excuses. That's all I heard the last few months of our relationship. It's all his fault. I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for him. I wouldn't have gone to that stupid party if it wasn't for him.” Luke mutters and clenches his fists together, feels his nails digging into the skin of his palm.

 

“This party, did something happen there, Luke?” Johnson prompts softly and Luke shrugs his shoulders.

 

“I guess..I mean, yes. There was an...incident. Kinda.” Luke starts and then pauses to collect his thoughts. There's so much he wants to say but he's so scared to. He knows Johnson won't judge him, only wants to help him. But talking about it out loud makes it seem so much more real. He doesn't end up saying anything for what's probably close to ten minutes, but his therapist doesn't seem to mind, just waits for him patiently. “I went to this party, the day after I broke up with Ashton and I just, I just wanted to drink enough to forget him for a bit, y'know? But I kept remembering him so I kept drinking more and then I woke up at the hospital the next day. Alcohol poisoning. My parents were so pissed, especially my mum. I never meant for it to go that far. I just wanted to forget and have fun.”

 

“I understand why you felt like there was nothing else to do at the moment, but it was also something very dangerous, even if it wasn't your intention to go that far. I always tell people that talking about it, is the easiest way to forget. Just talk about it until you've got nothing left to say about the subject. There's no point in dwelling if there's nothing left to say is there?” Luke shrugs in response, mumbling a quiet 'I guess' under his breath. “Was this the incident you mentioned?”

 

“Oh, um, no. Not really. I, my parents, they grounded me. For a month. I was so bored and still heartbroken and I just wanted to get out. So I snuck out through my window and went to another party and there was this guy there and I thought, I guess I thought he was attractive and he offered to make me a drink so I accepted.” Luke pauses and takes a deep breath before he continues. “I don't, I don't remember much but he, he must have put something in my drink. I couldn't really control my body, I felt so weird. He took me upstairs to one of the bedrooms and he-”

 

“It's okay Luke, take your time. There's no need to rush.” Johnson says softly when Luke suddenly stops talking and struggles to continue. He sniffs quietly and curses himself for being so emotional.

 

“He just. He took me upstairs and I didn't want to but he still did and I couldn't stop him and then suddenly he was touching me and pulling my pants down and I tried to kick him away but he just held me down. I, I screamed for help. I tried too. But the music was too loud and he put his hand over my mouth and I couldn't do anything. He just touched me and he used his fingers and he didn't get further than that before I managed to kick him off of me.” Luke finishes and looks down at his lap where one of his hands is fiddling with a loose thread on his jeans.

 

“I'm sorry that happened to you, Luke. Nothing should be allowed to happen without our full consent.” Johnson says and Luke shrugs his shoulders. “What did you feel after this happened?”

 

“Violated, I guess. Disgusting. But mostly, I just felt...relieved.” Luke admits.

 

“Relieved? How come?” Johnson asks in surprise and Luke chuckles humourlessly.

 

“Because he didn't manage to go all the way. I guess it makes me feel a bit better knowing that it could've been much worse if I hadn't managed to kick him off hard enough that he fell and hit his head and passed out. I don't know. There's so much worse things that could've happened. I just feel stupid for being hung up on this. It was six months ago. Why am I still having nightmares about it?” Luke asks and looks up to search Johnson's face for an answer.

 

“What happened to you was very serious Luke. You shouldn't belittle the situation by thinking it could've been worse. Things like this leaves scars. Not visible ones, but emotional ones and sometimes your brain connects something with the incident and triggers you to remember it. You mentioned nightmares. Have they been constant since the incident?”

 

“No, not really. They were gone after about two months. I'd have them if I tried to hook up with someone because I got scared they'd hurt me but then they'd be gone again. I watched a movie with my friends last week and this girl was getting raped. I, that really upset me. It felt like I was watching myself on the screen and suddenly I was back at that party with this guy holding me down. That's when I told my friends what happened and they suggested that I go here.” Luke explains and Johnson hums as he writes something down.

 

“I'm glad you've got such supportive friends. It's not easy going through something like this alone and not a lot of people are strong enough to go to a therapist to talk about it. I'm glad you found the courage to come here and that you've got your friends to talk too as well if you need to. I'm going to suggest that you come back here again next week and that you talk to your friends during that time and see if your nightmares will decrease.” Johnson says and Luke nods his head before he can stop himself. Realizes that he actually liked talking to his therapist about everything. “Good. I've got one task for you until then and that's to tell someone in your family what happened. I don't want you to feel pressured and you don't need to hurry with telling anyone, but lets set it as a goal for the future. Don't feel bad if you can't tell anyone until next week though, like I said, you need to do this at your own pace.”

 

“Okay,” Luke agrees quietly as he gets up from his chair to shake Johnsons hand. “Thank you for listening.”

 

“Of course, Luke. That's what I'm here for. See you on Wednesday next week.” Johnson replies and Luke nods his head before he walks out of the room and stops short when he sees Michael waiting for him in one of the chairs.

 

“Hey,” Luke says and Michael jumps in his seat causing Luke to chuckle. “What are you doing here?”

 

“Thought we could have some lunch together and talk, just the two of us?” Michael offers and Luke quickly nods his head in agreement. Usually, Calum's always with them as well and it's not like Luke's got any problems with that. It's just that he's always been a bit closer to Michael but he never really gets the chance to hang out with him alone.

 

“So where are we going?” Luke asks as they walk out of the building, side by side.

 

“I don't know. Wanna get some pizza and sit down by the water?” Michael suggests and Luke agrees. “Cool. There's a great place not far from here. Let's just walk there and then I'll drive you home afterwards.”

 

“Sounds good.” Luke says and they spend the rest of the walk in silence. They end up buying a pizza to share and a can of soda each that they bring with them back down to the harbour. They find a place that's relatively quiet and free from too many tourists.

 

“So..” Michael says after a few minutes of eating in silence. “How was therapy? Still think it makes you crazy?”

 

“No, I don't know.” Luke starts. “I really liked today's session. It felt really good to talk about everything with someone that doesn't know me or Ashton or this situation except for what I tell him. It was just, nice, I guess.”

 

“That's good Luke, really good. I remember thinking the same when mum forced me to go. I thought for sure that she was just trying to get rid of me, instead of helping me. But after a while I realized how much better I was feeling and I haven't stopped thanking my mum ever since then. I probably wouldn't be here if it wasn't for her.” Michael admits and Luke stares at his friend in surprise. He's not meeting Luke's eyes, just continues to stare at where his hand is fiddling with the bracelets on one of his wrists.

 

“I know you said that you were in therapy for depression, but how bad was it really? Like, you obviously don't have to tell me if you don't want to. Just know that you can- oh, Mikey.” Luke says suddenly when Michael wordlessly moves his bracelets and Luke sees all the faded scars on his wrist for the first time. “Did you..?”

 

“Yeah. I was in the hospital for a week in suicide watch and then mum put me up to therapy twice a week. Haven't cut once ever since then.” Michael says proudly and Luke pulls him into a tight hug.

 

“Mikey, I'm so proud of you. I'm sorry. I never had a clue.” Luke admits sadly.

 

“It's okay, Lukey. I never told you, you couldn't have known. It's never really been that bad since we met. I had Ash who had went through the same thing and Cal's still-” But Luke has stopped listening. It feels like his world has frozen over as Michael's words replay over and over in his mind _'ash who went through the same thing'._ “Luke? You listening?”

 

“What do you mean Ash went through the same thing?” Luke chokes out and Michael's as widen.

 

“Shit. I'm sorry Luke. I didn't know he hadn't told you. Fuck I'm such an idiot.” Michael curses and Luke scoffs.

 

“I can't fucking believe this. Were you all just keeping secrets from me and talking shit behind my back? Was it funny to you when I was completely clueless about everything going on?” Luke snaps and scrambles up on his legs. “Did you know he was cheating on me too?”

 

“No! Luke, no, of course not!” Michael says as he stands up next to Luke and tries putting a calming hand on his shoulder, but Luke quickly shrugs him off.

 

“Just leave me alone.” He mumbles and storms off, leaving a dejected looking Michael behind.

 

***

 

He's caught a week and a half later. There's been two more therapy sessions since then, one of them which ended just an hour ago. Luke doesn't know why, but he's been going to them during the day and skipping school for it. Obviously he was going to get caught one day. It's not like his teachers wouldn't eventually catch up on the fact that he wasn't really sick and contact his parents. He just wasn't prepared for it and when he walks into the kitchen, he nearly has a heartattack when he sees his mum sitting at the kitchen table like she was waiting for him.

 

“Mum,” He says and chuckles nervously. “What are you doing home?”

 

“I could ask you the same thing. I just had an interesting call from your school who informed me that this is the fourth day you've been sick in two weeks and wanted to make sure it wasn't anything serious. You can imagine my surprise when I heard that, as I had no idea you'd been sick at all.” She replies almost sarcastically and Luke's shoulders slump as he realizes he's been caught. “I don't know what's going on with you, but you've been acting out ever since you broke up with Ashton and spend all your time with that Michael boy.”

 

“Michael is better than Ashton will ever be! You're so judgemental sometimes, mum. Michael's done nothing but help me over and over even though he was Ashton's friend first.” Luke protests, quick to stand up for his friend. “You shouldn't judge a book by its cover, which is exactly what you're doing with Mike!”

 

“Then how come you've been sneaking out to parties and skipping school ever since you've been hanging out more with him? This isn't like you Luke!” She's raising her voice now and Luke can feel himself growing frustrated.

 

“He didn't know about any of that until afterwards when he helped me! I told you that. It was all me. You don't even know who I am anymore!” He shouted back at her and she stood up from the table, angry expression on her face.

 

“Clearly I don't. You would've never have done anything like this if you'd still been together with Ashton! He was a good boy.” His mother replies and he reels back like he's been slapped. There's regret in his mother's eyes already.

 

“He cheated on me! After all this time, I can't believe my own family is still siding with my ex-boyfriend!” He shouts loudly and doesn't register the front door opening as he starts to cry silently. “What's wrong with you?”

 

“Tell me where you were today, Luke.” His mother says calmly, ignoring everything he just said. “Now.”

 

“I was seeing my therapist because clearly, I can't talk to any of you about anything.” Luke snarls as his mum's eyes widen in surprise. “Happy now?”

 

“Luke..why are you seeing a therapist? What happened? Is this about Ashton? I'm sorry we haven't been more supportive about what happened. I know how much you loved him all those years and-”

 

“Not everything is about Ashton!” Luke finally shouts loudly, successfully silencing his mum. “I was raped!” He turns to stalk up to his room but stops short when he sees Ben standing in the doorway with a shocked look on his face, before he swallows loudly and brushes past him to run up to his room. He locks the door behind him and throws himself down on his bed and turns his music up as loud as it goes to drown out the frantic knocks and shouting of his name.

 

He doesn't know how he does it, but eventually he drifts off, even with the loud music playing in the background.

 

“ _Ash stop, that tickles.” Luke giggles and pushes Ashton's face away from where it had been buried in Luke's neck, pressing soft kisses all over._

 

“ _I don't wanna.” Ashton whines and dives back in again to press another soft kiss on Luke's neck before he moves up and pushes their lips together to which Luke squeaks in surprise. This whole thing is still new for them both, being in a relationship together, but Ashton's kissed people before since he's older and Luke's still worried he's not good enough._

 

“ _I really like you.” Luke mumbles as he pulls away slightly from Ashton and avoids the older boy's gaze._

 

“ _Hey Luke?” Ashton says in reply and Luke looks up to meet his eyes, finally. “I really like you too.”_

 

“ _Do you really? Is it not..weird? Since I'm younger than you.” Luke asks curiously, afraid of the answer._

 

“ _Course not. You're not that much younger and I really like you. I don't care about your age. Plus, my friends thinks you're cool. Especially Michael. He plays guitar too.” Luke beams at this and Ashton smiles fondly at him._

 

“ _Really? They do? When can I meet them again? It was really fun last week.” Luke asks, referring to when they had all hung out at Ashton's place last week, playing music and watching movies together. He'd never really had any proper friends before this, but he finally felt like he belonged somewhere._

 

“ _I don't know. Tomorrow maybe? After school?” Ashton suggests with a shrug and Luke nods his head. “Hey, wanna stay over tonight?”_

 

“ _I can't..” Luke trails off sadly. “Mum doesn't want me to on weekdays. This weekend maybe?”_

 

“ _Yeah okay. Wanna watch a movie?” Ashton asks as he flops down next to Luke on the bed and pulls the younger boy closer to his side. Luke nods his head in agreement and then frowns in confusion as he feels a tugging on his jeans._

 

“ _Ash?” He asks hesitantly. “What are you doing?”_

 

“ _Shh.” Someone whispers in his ear as a hand is placed over his mouth and another hand is fumbling with his zipper until it's pulled down. “You need to stay quiet so no one hears you.”_

 

_He shakes his head frantically when he feels his pants being pulled down along with his boxers. When he looks up in panic, he sees a dark haired boy with tanned skin grinning down at him almost manically. “No! Stop!” He tries to scream, but his calls for help are muffled behind the hand over his mouth. His movements turns sluggish and it feels like he's losing control over both his mind and body. Trying to push the boy away from him, he raises his arm in an attempt to do so, but then quickly realizes that he can't move at all. He's lost all control._

 

_Within a few seconds, he's flipped over to his stomach, with his head pressed down into the mattress making it hard for him to breathe properly. There's hands on his back, moving downwards painfully slowly until they're grasping his cheeks and pulling them apart to reveal his tight hole. His shakes his head again and cries harder, screams louder for them to stop touching him, to stop hurting him. But they don't listen and all of a sudden the only thing he can feel is a hot white pain._

 

_It doesn't stop for what feels like hours until he's suddenly turned to his side and something smaller than what had just been inside him probs at his hole, fingers maybe. He's not sure. He screams loudly for help, for someone to come find him but there's a hand being placed over his mouth again that muffles the sounds he's making. Finally gaining some control over his mind and body again, he bites down on the hand over his mouth until he tastes blood and it's gone. Then he kicks his legs out roughly and is relieved when he hears a loud thud and sees his attacker passed out on the floor. He pulls his pants up as quickly as he can, crying in pain the entire time, before he makes a dash for the door then turns around again and steals the passed out boy's phone and locks himself into the bathroom on the same floor._

 

“ _Luke? Luke! LUKE! Please Luke,_ wake up!” Luke gasps as he shoots up in bed and sees his entire family surrounding him with worried looks on their faces. He opens his mouth to say something, but feels bile rising in his throat and quickly leans over the edge of his bed and throws up all over the floor. The dream, it had felt so real. Like the missing pieces from that night had been filled in and he couldn't stop throwing up at the thought of him actually being raped. He wasn't sure what had happened anymore. What if he'd actually been raped and he just couldn't remember until now? What if everything he'd just dreamed about, had actually happened? _What if what if what if what if wh-_

 

“Luke! Breathe, you need to breathe. Take a deep breath in and then out. C'mon Luke, do it with me. You need to get some air into your lungs or you're going to pass out.” His father is telling him but it sounds muted and far away, like he's in a glass bowl and can't hear clearly. “Luke? C'mon, I need you to calm down and breathe.”

 

But Luke can't calm down. His vision swims and he would've fallen out of his bed if someone hadn't been quick to catch him. “I-I ca- b-brea-” He gasps out before he leans over further and throws up again.

 

“I'm calling an ambulance.” He hears someone saying in the background and he quickly shakes his head.

 

“Ngh-” He grumbles incoherently but can't get any other words out. His visin swims again and he slumps down further on the bed, unable to hold himself up anymore. There's still no air getting into his lungs and he wonders if this is what dying feels like. If so, he wishes it would end quicker and not drag on like this. He's so tired and he can't breathe. No matter how hard he tries, he can't seem to get any air into his lungs and his vision is getting blurrier until the edges of his eyes start to darken and suddenly he can't see anything at all.

 

“Luke! _Luke,_ open your eyes!” Is the last thing he hears before everything fades away completely.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this sucks. I've had this part for a while and I wanted to add more to the end, but I just don't have the time or inspo right now. Promise that next chapter will definitely have Ashton lol :) 
> 
> Comment, kudos and bookmark if you like it :)


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